As I lay awake again last night (damn insomnia!), I thought about how my 50th year has changed me. As a whole the changes have been subtle, occuring over the past couple of years, but this year has been especially difficult.
The one aspect that bothers me most about aging is that I've become invisible, sort of a non-person. I was never gorgeous, or even pretty, but I was vivacious, full of life, and had a certain verve that seemed to affect people. People seemed to want to talk to me--I think maybe the energy was contagious. I think I may have even turned a few heads back in the day. I never lacked of boyfriends, that's for sure! I was FUN. In the past year I've begun to notice fewer and fewer people look me in the eye anymore. I get a cursory glance, then I'm immediately dismissed as a human. No smiles, no conversation. I see myself beginning to withdraw into myself. I just prefer to be alone now, rather than deal with the pain of seeing the apathetic looks on peoples faces.
I look in the mirror and I'm so disappointed with my reflection. Where did I go? When did that happen? Who IS that?? If I'm disappointed , I can certainly understand why others would be too.
Case in point: After spending the better part of an hour taking a shower, primping, lotioning and powdering, I walked into the living room (Ok, I admit I was wearing my neon yellow calf sleeves, but hey, my legs were sore!) and leaned down for a kiss. When I pulled back, I saw only blank nothingness. So I tried again....Nothing. I think he saw my pain, though, and threw in a quick "Luv ya". That's when I turned and walked away, went to bed and started to think about this stuff.
Standing outside in the driveway at 2:00AM, staring at the moon and stars, I felt really lonely. I AM lonely. Where is that fun girl I used to know? I liked her! I miss her.
So I had this beautiful eloquent post typed for you and then I lost it... I'll try to recreate but now I'm short on time (see it's not YOU)...basically I said how the first day I met you at our mutual friends home, in my mind i was like "WOW, this lady is a powerhouse...look at her...i'm intimidated...i'm in awe...she's beautiful, athletic, physically fit, nice...wait what, she's nice too???...she's energetic and FUN!! Will she like me?? Will I be the calibur of person she would want to spend time with???"...seriously, these were the thoughts I had when I met you... what I was trying to say earlier is, I don't think it is you...it's everyone...the whole world, is just on auto-pilot...even our loved ones, as much as we know they love us, are in their own little worlds...I know that I am, I find myself not noticing when my husband gets his haircut, not remembering my grandmothers birthdays or the day my grandfather's passed away... I know I care so deeply for my family, friends, the world, but how would they know, I don't often "show" it in my actions... don't look inward on this one...it's the rest of us that have the problem, not you... you are pure awesomeness!!!! Mmmwoooah! Can't wait to see you on Sunday!!!
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DeleteI read this and start thinking, "Who is this? This doesn`t sound like the Stacy I know!" Gorgeous & so pretty, Happy, full of life and fun. Sometimes we talk & I hear sad things going on, but you seem to bounce back & walk tall...
ReplyDeleteYou have given me, a homely, boring, inactive 53 year old being the chance of a lifetime when you took me to the Power line, made me a new person!
I could never believe that someone as wonderful as you would show any interest in a blob like me.
I too look in my mirror or at pictures and only 1/2 understand what has happened to me. And I can`t imagine anyone gazing past you or dismissing you!
There are so many things you wrote that I can relate to, not the good parts, but the sad/bad parts. We`ll just stick to the present, going in for a kiss or any sign of affection and getting the feeling that you`re invisible, being looked right through & then thrown a bone....
But it`s not you, (just like deep down I know it`s not me), but these feelings and emotions erupt because of situations we are in now.
From the 1st day I met you, I admired you, I wished I could look like you, be like you, do the things you do.
Don`t cut yourself short, and don`t lose yourself along the way because of others. You offer the world much more than you could ever know, and people love you more than they could ever show....and that includes me. {{hugs}}