As I lay awake again last night (damn insomnia!), I thought about how my 50th year has changed me. As a whole the changes have been subtle, occuring over the past couple of years, but this year has been especially difficult.
The one aspect that bothers me most about aging is that I've become invisible, sort of a non-person. I was never gorgeous, or even pretty, but I was vivacious, full of life, and had a certain verve that seemed to affect people. People seemed to want to talk to me--I think maybe the energy was contagious. I think I may have even turned a few heads back in the day. I never lacked of boyfriends, that's for sure! I was FUN. In the past year I've begun to notice fewer and fewer people look me in the eye anymore. I get a cursory glance, then I'm immediately dismissed as a human. No smiles, no conversation. I see myself beginning to withdraw into myself. I just prefer to be alone now, rather than deal with the pain of seeing the apathetic looks on peoples faces.
I look in the mirror and I'm so disappointed with my reflection. Where did I go? When did that happen? Who IS that?? If I'm disappointed , I can certainly understand why others would be too.
Case in point: After spending the better part of an hour taking a shower, primping, lotioning and powdering, I walked into the living room (Ok, I admit I was wearing my neon yellow calf sleeves, but hey, my legs were sore!) and leaned down for a kiss. When I pulled back, I saw only blank nothingness. So I tried again....Nothing. I think he saw my pain, though, and threw in a quick "Luv ya". That's when I turned and walked away, went to bed and started to think about this stuff.
Standing outside in the driveway at 2:00AM, staring at the moon and stars, I felt really lonely. I AM lonely. Where is that fun girl I used to know? I liked her! I miss her.
