Becoming Invisible

As I lay awake again last night (damn insomnia!), I thought about how my 50th year has changed me. As a whole the changes have been subtle, occuring over the past couple of years, but this year has been especially difficult.
The one aspect that bothers me most about aging is that I've become invisible, sort of a non-person.  I was never gorgeous, or even pretty, but I was vivacious, full of life, and had a certain verve that seemed to affect people.  People seemed to want to talk to me--I think maybe the energy was contagious.  I think I may have even turned a few heads back in the day.  I never lacked of boyfriends, that's for sure!  I was FUN.  In the past year I've begun to notice fewer and fewer people look me in the eye anymore.  I get a cursory glance, then I'm immediately dismissed as a human.  No smiles, no conversation.  I see myself beginning to withdraw into myself. I just prefer to be alone now, rather than deal with the pain of seeing the apathetic looks on peoples faces.
I look in the mirror and I'm so disappointed with my reflection.  Where did I go? When did that happen?  Who IS that?? If I'm disappointed , I can certainly understand why others would be too.
Case in point: After spending the better part of an hour taking a shower, primping, lotioning and powdering, I walked into the living room (Ok, I admit I was wearing my neon yellow calf sleeves, but hey, my legs were sore!) and leaned down for a kiss. When I pulled back, I saw only blank nothingness. So I tried again....Nothing. I think he saw my pain, though, and threw in a quick "Luv ya". That's when I turned and walked away, went to bed and started to think about this stuff.
Standing outside in the driveway at 2:00AM, staring at the moon and stars, I felt really lonely. I AM lonely.  Where is that fun girl I used to know?  I liked her!  I miss her.

Well....of all things to happen....

My world has kind of turned on its ear so this might be jumbled, contradictory, befuddled, ambiguous, or just plain not make any sense. Me, Stacy, the "forever single girl" has that feeling....It was once a familiar feeling, but now, hmm, can't put my finger on it, but it's no longer familiar, but just as --- well--- tingly???
So, I've been talking to this awesome man for the past 6 weeks or so....Gosh, I've known of him for a long time, but he never knew me from Eve. I finally got to meet him a couple weeks ago. That's when I, as I knew me, started to fall apart. Had I been stuck in a rut? Become set in my ways? Become....dare I say, boring?? I'm enjoying the excitement of it, and trying to muddle through all the complexities that arise...(ie., baggage from the past) I've made up my mind to just go with it and enjoy this as much as I can. Life is to short to fret the big OR small stuff!
Wouldn't you know, that I am about to embark on the craziest, busiest 6 weeks I've had in a long time. Just when this new "thing" started.... Well, I suppose I will find out if I am worth the wait. (I'm pretty sure I'd like to continue what we've started, once the dust settles.) What fun, embarking on the whole-new-me train!! Wooo!Wooooo!!!

Think Strong

I'll tell you right off the bat that these are not all MY words, but they ARE my beliefs....(the props go to Joyce Meyer).

Working with sick folks on a daily basis for 28 years, sometimes a pattern emerges and makes things perfectly clear.  Our health is inextricably connected with our joy, and our joy is inextricably connected to our health.
It really bothers me when I hear someone say "MY cancer" or "MY diabetes" or "MY weight problem"!! Please stop claiming it as YOURS! You might be struggling with a problem or situation right now, but it is not YOURS. It seems to me that the ones who claim their illnesses are the ones who never over-come them.
Something  that really weirds me out are people who seem to enjoy being sick. It weirds me out, but also saddens me....how can someone be so starved for attention in their life?? Perhaps it's a lack of self-confidence, or a lack of faith...but I just want to tell them how much more they would enjoy their life being healthy instead of sick. By the way.....you must make a choice and a commitment to be healthy--it doesn't just come when you decide you want it. You must make the right choices and do the hard work. Hard work, yes, but the pay-off is way beyond great.
Some others don't feel well most of the time and don't know why. They go from doctor to doctor and take all kinds of pills in search of relief....I just think they need to look inside themselves. (The following are Joyce's words)
The more negative you are---they worse you're going to feel.
The more critical and judgmental you are---the worse you're going to feel.
The less you laugh---the worse you're going to feel.
The more selfish you are---the worse you're going to feel.
(Thanks, Joyce!)
So I say: Love more---feel loved!
Laugh more---feel happier!
Give more---feel richer!
Compliment people more---feel more confidant!!

These three words go together: Health, Happiness, Contentment, and Joy
So we need to take steps to change some of the ways we think and speak. Choose your thoughts wisely. (YES, you CAN choose your thoughts! You don't have to wait for random crap to enter your brain!) Choose your words wisely, too. Treat yourself and others like the marvel that they are and start being amazing.

Quiet strength

Earlier this week I described my dad by these two words:  Quiet strength.  My thoughts kept coming back to those words all week. My dad was a little guy...about 5'7" in his prime....and about 5'2" when he died, but ya didn't dare mess with him. He wasn't menacing by any stretch of the imagination, but folks just had a certain respect for him.....especially some of my old high school boyfriends :)
Two times, in particular, I can easily recall, when he used his quiet strength. Sean was in 9th grade and was chosen to play on the Varsity soccer team. This angered many people who thought their older sons should be playing "up" before Sean got a chance. Sorry folks, he was THAT good. Two mouthy dads started yelling disparaging things across the field toward the coach during a game....well within ear-shot of Sean. After about a minute, my dad had heard enough. He turned and squared off with these two big men with a "Listen here!". No one but the two men heard what else he had to say to those guys, but they apologized and we never heard another word from them the rest of the season.
The other time.....across the road from my house is 1/2 mile wide tract of woods with a stream running through. It is always packed with deer and turkey, though too close to homes to hunt. My boys were babies at the time and we were all outside enjoying the nice Fall day, until some yahoo parked his truck on the road, got his gun and headed into the woods. I never saw my dad move so fast! He was going to protect those grandchildren!!  He was down off the porch and chasing after the guy yelling "You can't hunt here!" The guy turned and pointed the gun at my dad and shouted, "I'll take you out, old man!", but my dad just kept going toward him, completely unafraid. Miraculously, the guy stood motionless as my dad shared a few quiet words with him, then got in his truck and left.
You don't have to scream and fuss and lose your temper. You don't have to punch or threaten. I never asked him what he said to those guys.....all I know is that quiet strength is an amazing quality, and one that I am trying to develop in myself. 
I wish I would have told him how awesome he was while he was living. If your dad is still on Earth, please tell him today how much you appreciate him.

More dad stuff.....

My dad was not the most handy man, for sure.....but he always liked it when I tried to help him. He and I could hitch up our trailer, hand-cranked dolly, electrical and all in a matter of minutes, then park, level and hook up the water, sewer and electric at the campsites. Gosh, I loved that....
He taught me to use a hammer, wrench and screwdriver....we even built two picnic tables which are still holding together!! I always got to help put up the Christmas lights, mow the lawn and trim the bushes. I wonder if he somehow knew I would be doing these "chores" by myself for the rest of my life.
I hope my dad knows how much I appreciate him whenever I'm able to cross another task off my list....even if it's just replacing a toilet seat, sealing a leak, or cleaning the gutters. In my mind I can hear him say, "I'm proud of ya, Tige."

More things dad taught:: Be grateful !

Instead of being annoyed at your dad jingling his keys and making you rush to get ready for school, be GRATEFUL he's giving you a ride so you don't have to walk the 2 miles.
Instead of complaining about what's for dinner, be GRATEFUL your mother makes you nutritious meals every dang night of the week.
Instead of whining about the long trip in the hot car, be GRATEFUL you get to go on vacation to the beach.
Instead of fussing about having to go to work as a lifeguard every weekend during the summer, be GRATEFUL you're a good swimmer, and be GRATEFUL for your job.
He'd say, "Some day maybe you'll appreciate being made to go to church, youth group, and choir every week."
Oh dad.......I do, now. I do.

my dad taught me this....

With Father's Day approaching, I've been thinking of some things I learned from my dad.  Although he was a minister for 44 years, he wasn't "religious" as some people think the word means. He didn't go around praying and anointing everything with holy water, rather, he led by example. I never her heard him say a bad word about anyone.  THAT is difficult.....have you tried? He said we should pity people who talk poorly of others, because they have left a door wide open for the devil to work through them. Now, stop and think for a minute. Do you know anyone (maybe even yourself??) who always has something negative to say about other people? Do they mock people (even you?) behind their backs, and say cruel, hurtful, and untrue things? Do they take every opportunity to roll their eyes and be cynical? Don't think any more about it. Drop it. Forget it. Don't give them the time of day, or the opportunity to let the devil's instrument have any effect on you. That really pisses the devil off.  They can't hurt you, they are only making themselves look bad.
Have you wondered why you can catch disease, but you can't catch health? Well, by the same principle, you can catch unholiness (evil), but holiness must be chosen and pursued (just as health must be chosen and pursued). Which do YOU want? If you want to enjoy your life, choose holiness, health, and life. Hey, if you'd rather be a miserable, unhealthy witch, then choose to not even try. You won't hurt anyone but yourself and your family.
Thank you, Dad, for instilling in me that uncomfortable feeling I get when I hear someone say something awful. Thank you for letting me know who is behind it (the devil, the enemy, the evil one), and teaching me how to look beyond it, over it, and through it, so as to not give the devil any foot-hold in my life.
And, Dad.......sorry it took me so long to understand some of the lessons you taught.

Love, Tige   (short for Tiger, as he used to call me)